Webs and things

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“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

How many times have you heard that. I always thought it meant one should never lie – to other people. As I get older I think it means one should never lie period – not even to oneself. Sure I can lift that 100 pound block! the fifty year old man thinks to himself while staring at the beautiful twenty-something girl he just met who wants or needs it moved. Man up and admit your limitations dude! She’s not worth the hospital bills and certainly won’t remember you tomorrow.

As I approach my midlife I look back on everything I’ve accomplished and what dreams have yet to be realized. In some respects it is painful to have to accept that some things are never going to happen. I’ll never be that ballet star I dreamed of being when I was four years old. I never continued lessons after we moved. I’ll never be that 5’9″, pencil thin fashion model I wanted to be when I was twelve years old. I reached my full adult height at 16, a whopping five feet flat.

And that’s ok.

I have, however, become the teacher I always wanted to be, even when I held other aspirations: to be a veterinarian, to be a psychologist, to enlist in the armed services. Still none of those occupations could hold a candle to what I wanted to be, who I was meant to be, the occupation I worked long and hard to achieve.

I have had the unique privilege to be published, not once but twice in a newsletter about writers, for writers. That was such an incredible experience! No, I didn’t get paid, and that’s ok. It was never about the money anyway. I now know I can do it; I am publishable. I will be an author. It may not be on the level of JK Rowling, i may not be well remembered after my death like Dame Agatha Christy, and that’s ok.

While I may tell myself that life just doesn’t seem complete, that there is so much I haven’t done that I need to do in order to be complete, that is a lie and I mustn’t tell lies unless I want to be forced to start writing with Professor Umbridge’s special quill that requires no well of ink.

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